Sink or Swim?
I don’t know what is happening. I don’t know what will happen. I only know I am not the person I once was. I am not her. I am not the girl who looks me in the mirror every morning. I am not the one who listened to the peppy songs in my playlist. I am not the one.
I was once me. Once I was someone who felt things. She was happy. Laughing and brightening the world. I am not her. I don’t know what changed. Maybe it was the day, my life went out if control in a downward spiral, taking no prisoners. It shattered the happiness then and there. If you knew me, you’ll call me lucky. I have everything a girl can hope for and I don’t want more. I (am) was satisfied. Now, I don’t know. Each morning I wake up happy but as the day progresses, my soul is touched by this immense pain and profound sadness that I cannot help but stare at the abyss hoping for everything to end.
Would I give up everything I have? No. Maybe.
Gone is the spontaneous girl, who loved books. Gone is the one who travelled. Now, there is someone lying on my bed each night. But I don’t know her. She looks like me; Tries to smile like me. Even sometimes talks like me, but she is not me. She can never be me. I am gone.
Do you think, maybe I’ll return? I don’t know. Maybe, one day I will. Maybe one day I’ll be back. Spontaneous planning surprises and making people happy. You know, someday, I am right there, next to the girl who looks like me. I make her happy too. Make her smirk at things, but someday, her blues touch me too. I feel the pain. More so, I feel the pain of not able to do anything. I feel her pain drowning her. Like wild rough waves, pushing her down into the sea, wanting to keep her prisoner. Maybe she is.
But I don’t think no one will know. I saw her once trying to reach out; Trying to find her way. She failed again. I pitied her. I knew she would fail but I never understood the embarrassment she felt when no one understood her. Maybe, this thing was not meant to be understood, maybe she has a way of drowning all the sorrows and the pain, before anything happens. I think something needs to happen. Maybe that is the only way. I hope she’ll find it. I hope she decides to swim. If she sinks, shell take me with her. I am afraid of the depth that sea has. Once I told her to swim. She laughed right back at my place. “Swim where”, she asked “Back to you or him? Back to world which never understood me?”
I wonder what she will do. Swim or sink? What will I do? What will I do if she sinks?