The Pain of Living

Someone once said that when we stop fighting for the things that matter, we stop living. But what will happen if have no energy to fight anymore.  What if life becomes so bizarre that you cannot help but stop fighting? You stop fighting for your future. You stop fighting for your happiness. What happens when you end up fighting with the people you love for your happiness and future?

It is the most heart breakingly bad and painful journey any person goes through. One decision of yours can turn a normal person into a monster and one decision can turn your life upside down. You go from having everything to nothing. It hurts. It hurts how alone you feel. No matter what people around you tell you or how happy you try to be…. You are broken from inside and there is nothing that can make you whole again (esp. when you are not in position to take your decisions on your own).

Sometimes, I wake up sad. There is a lingering melancholy in my soul that makes me not want to smile, go to work or even try to be happy. I am tired. I don’t want to eat anything.  All I want to do is sit on the bed and stare in to the nothingness. It is so difficult to talk with anyone and act as if everything they say matters. It is so difficult to hide that you life is falling apart slowly and there is nothing you can do to save yourself. More difficult is to think that you matter. No one matters in this world.

I told my mum that I am happy, being positive and going with the flow. I am not. I am dying inside. I want someone to come and get me out of this vicious cycle of crying, eating junk food and not sleeping. I don’t have energy to even kill myself. My life has become a joke. I am a joke.

Maybe I should stop living altogether. There would be nothing beautiful than not waking up tomorrow and repeating the day of pain again.