Not Today, Satan

Deep breaths….that is what I keep on telling myself to do. Deep breaths and this ordeal will be over soon. But then again I know it won’t be able soon. Nights and a better half of my days have passed thinking about this. Sleep left me weeks ago and every passing second was spent wondering and overthinking.

There is this thing about overthinking. The more you think, more it takes you in its shadows. Overthinking is Satan – a personal devil, bent on making your living life hell. Think of best thing in your life, be it a person, a moment or even an achievement. Pepper a bit of overthinking on it and voila, you have created your personal hell.

How can you not overthink? It is very rare in the world of today to have every single thing go according to the plan. What is even rarer is to have people rooting for your success. From what I know personally, humans are not programmed to be helpful. They are envious and greedy, not generally helpful, kind and happy for you. They are touched by Satan. Just like everybody worries and overthinks. I win; makes me wonder, how did I accomplish that? I don’t get what I want; Satan makes me question my abilities. It is my personal hell.

Not everyone understands the concept of overthinking, or why it just unhinges my mind and my life; but everyone understands the concept of devil and personal hell. Overthinking is my personal hell. All it requires is for me to enter the world of my own psyche and I am a goner. How can I not be? From the very childhood, we are told to be the best. We are told to win and when we don’t, we are called losers and failures. We lose our creativity or tap that part of our life so late that it makes us question who we are?

Am I an accountant or a writer?

Am I a good writer?

What if I write something and people just laugh at me?

What if I am a failure just like everyone said?

What if I never have the success I want?

What if?

It kills me. I am drowning inside myself. When you look at me, I’ll be lying on my bed, staring in space, but inside I am drowning, burning and bleeding all at same time. We all have those special carefree people in our lives, who just live it without any obnoxious overthinking. They tell us, Just go with the flow. Excuse me!!! You want me to go with the flow? Which flow life’s or my mind? Cuz, both are flowing in opposite direction and I have a foot in both of them.

You cannot stop an unhinged mind. You cannot make us go with the flow. Satan makes sure of that. Whole of my life, he has stood on the top of the pyre of my broken hopes and dreams, which he vanquished in just one night. Those hopes and dreams were part of my unhinged brain and me. Then again, it was he who made it all deranged and disturbed.

After all, I am sitting in my office, having a really stupid conversation with Satan, about Satan. What is the point? He is going to win, like he always does. I know, Once my name is called, I go in my boss cabin and kill my each and every chance of promotion. Satan has made sure of it.

Maybe, I can do better. Maybe, I can defeat him in his own game. I won’t back down. I’ll go in there with a smile on my face and fire in my eyes and ask them to give me the respect I deserve in this firm.

Oh God, I am going to be sick. I hate you, Satan. Maybe, I’ll take the advice and rather than taking deep breaths, I might just say, Not Today, Satan.