TO HOPE OR NOT TO HOPE

Whether as a child or as an adult, the first thing that we always do before embarking on a journey is hope. We hope that everything would be fine. No matter what happen throughout the journey, we hope that we will reach or destination one way or another. However, that sometimes happens sometimes not. We still hope.

While some might associate hope with trust or even desire, I relate it with pain. Being hopeful is a special kind of ache. It starts in your gut and throughout your journey, it stays right there making you happy and upbeat but when it goes, it takes everything with it. It leaves you with nothing. All the happiness, desires, wants; they all become useless. That positive feeling in your gut, it becomes an ulcer – a non-stop pain, hurting you every time you move. It brings tears to your eyes and blocks your throat. You can see your life crumbling right in front of you. Think about it: Everything that you have worked for, everything that you did in your life, hoping for the goal right in front of you, just turning in dust leaving you with bleakness and pain.

You see yourself with no future and still your hope. Except now, your wish for something else. You hope for death, for the pain to end and for the darkness to make it your own. You try to cry – the tears don’t come. You wish for death, knowing that though you are incapable of taking your own life, something might just happen to you. Some freak accident. An earthquake maybe or a car hitting you or a deadly brain aneurysm or even cancer. You hope for worst.

But, there is a thing with hope, for better or worse, it stays with you, changes with you and dies with you. You change the way you hope. Life is just like this, it gives you lemons. You might make lemonade, but the sourness never goes away. More life gives, more it takes. Sometimes, I get an out of body experience. As if whatever is happening, it is not my life and I would never have to live that life. Then again, it is my life and I have to live it. The pain, hurt and ache, they are all my own and nobody can take them. I want them to end. To end the life, then I remember that I cannot give myself the pain and pray for this life to end. It doesn’t matter how happy I am, the never ends. It has a permanent home in my gut. Sometimes, I still hope and get a feeling that everything would be perfectly fine and I would get my happily ever after.

Then again, it is my life. I know the truth.

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